How To Budget a 300 Person Wedding

Weddings are stressful, but also a lot of fun. Money seems to be a stipulation to having what every little girl dreams of, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

I would like to start off saying that my circumstances are not everyone’s and this is certainly not the only or best way of budgeting a wedding. These are just things I picked up as I was going, mostly to do with the fact that I have never had much money and so have always had to be money-conscious. I have a little over 300 people coming to my wedding and the entire wedding did not cost more than $12,000. That may still be a lot to some, but I have an open bar and 300 guests. I am no expert, but I can tell people how I budgeted and made this work.

Have you ever seen those jokes about House Hunters where the couple have crazy jobs and a ridiculous budget? Something like, “Crystal is a stay at home mom with her cats and Joe trades worthless baseball cards. Their house budget is 30 million dollars”. Not only is that joke almost true, it can be applied to weddings. Weddings are an entire industry that stores bank off of in the most cruel of ways. Labels make the price tags and weddings have tons of labels.

My wedding is going to be huge, not in a super extravagant way, but in a I-have-too-many-relatives-and-cannot-weed-anyone-out way. My parents had a wedding of 500 people. Can you imagine 500 people showing up to something you have to pay out of pocket for?? This was the 90’s and my Mom was lucky enough to have an aunt who could make the dresses and also weddings were not as expensive then, thanks inflation. My wedding will be smaller, but only by about 200 people. I have a little over 300 people invited to my wedding. Crazy. I also just graduated college a year ago and could not find a full time job until February 2017. So, if you already have a full-time job and a whole year to plan, you’re ahead of my game.

First thing many people start off with is a theme for the wedding. You either start with the theme to pick a dress or you pick a dress and figure out the theme from there. Either way, there are most definitely seasons to all themes which means DISCOUNTS. My wedding is in December, so winter is my theme. I waited until right after Christmas last year and I got so many wreaths, garlands, pine branches, and those kinds of décor for 60%-80% off. Any savvy shopper knows that even colors are seasonal and buying them right after the season saves big $$$. Another example, is if you are having a June wedding and your colors are turquoise and pink, you wait until fall and all those colors are on sale, even the tulle and ribbons! Get those deals, girl (or even boy, hey, some guys like planning their weddings!).

Next, most people might start dress shopping. HAVE I GOT A STORY FOR YOU. You have to read my other post about wedding dresses though. Wedding dresses are one of the most expensive things you will ever have to buy, that you only wear once, and for a few hours. This made me have stress headaches, why would I pay $1000 for a white dress? Your best friend is now research. Buying a wedding dress is like buying a used car (and about the same price). If you find a name brand dress that you really, really like and you will literally die if you cannot wear it, I suggest two things!

The first, you need to get that serial number and start calling shops that hold that line. Email is also perfect, get that price in writing! You take the prices of these dresses and start forwarding the prices of that dress to other shops that also have the dress. Seriously, like buying a car. You would be surprised to find that many of those shops will lower their prices over the competition. You just have to be sure that the shops are somewhat close in distance. I would say to not pit any shops more than fifty miles away from each other against each other. This can save you a few hundred dollars!

Second option: look online. I honestly ordered my dress through Etsy and it only cost $200…with shipping. You might be wondering if my dress is like a mini skirt and bra or if it is falling apart at the seams. You would be wrong on both accounts. My dress is ivory and has a chapel train and has BEAUTIFUL lace designs all over it. It also fits very well, considering I tried to measure my own body and send those measurements to the woman who made my dress. The only other dress I loved, in a store, was $1400. I saved myself $1200. Can I get an amen? You have to be careful with ordering online. You will want to use a site like Etsy that you can leave comments on. I researched my dress for almost 15 hours because I am paranoid, but I highly recommend you always go through the last 50 comments on a review. You will find beautiful dresses online and you might be pleasantly surprised at how great it is. If part of your wedding experience is that you want to go to shops and have your girls tell you how great you look, you can 100% still go to stores. In fact, I implore you to go to stores and try dresses on because it will help you decide on which style you like best and make the online portion easier. You can also check online sites where women resell their dresses. It never hurts to look, you just have to be willing to spend a little time. It will be a huge payoff. Seriously, $1200 pay off.

Next up: venue. Venue is everything if you are obsessed with the vibe or theme of the wedding. I found that it was cheaper for me to rent a venue that had the food on site. Everything in a wedding can be bargained for. If you have a car salesman in your family or a person that can talk their way into anything, BRING THEM WITH YOU. You can do the same thing I did with the dresses, get quotes and send them around. I visited 5 or 6 venues before deciding on one. I picked it for its location and the price. You have to be willing to sit down and talk about it. Talk to the event planner at the venue and do not be afraid to name drop other places you are considering, even if you’re not considering them. Weddings are tight knit and there’s no doubt that venue will know who you are talking about. I got a deal on alcohol this way. I let it be known that I had visited other places and told them what I like or disliked between them. Many times the venue will try to sweeten their deals. You might get something for free or discounted. If they won’t budge, you can walk or decide what really matters to you. If the venue is important, don’t skimp. You will get especially good deals if you marry from December-March. That is considered wedding “off-season”, off-season, say it with me, gets DISCOUNTS.

Next, you might be looking for your photographer or DJ. When looking at photographers I suggest you look for college students or check Facebook. College students will not charge you an arm and a leg for the pictures and 9/10 times can take pictures just as well as someone who has been a wedding photographer for years. I got two photographers for 8 hours for $600. They both have portfolios and their pictures are beautiful. You can use Facebook to find them, just type in photography and where you live.  Again, you have to do research. Make sure to check out their online portfolio before you make any decisions.

Music is the next big thing. My wedding is off-season, so most DJs will have specials for that. My only tip is to ask to attend something the DJ is working or check for videos and reviews.

There are a few other things you will have to buy for the wedding like flowers, cake, shoes, marriage license, gifts etc.  Most of these cannot be bargained for, so you should research them for a rough estimate of cost. After you have factored in the venue and all the above things I mentioned, you start your budget.

To  budget, and avoid using a credit card, you need to actually create a list of all your expenses. You need to make a list of essential and non-essentials. You obviously need to pay any bills like phone, car, rent, food, and gas. The things that are necessary to live and work. Everything else such as gym memberships, coffee, eating out, and shopping for things that are not food are up for discussion. I cut out bare bones for my wedding. I gave myself an allowance to pay for my essentials, Planet Fitness, and an extra $20 for anything like lunch money or a little treat of some kind. You don’t have to go as extreme as I did, but by me deciding exactly how much money I would use a month, I found an extra $700 a month to put into a wedding account. Now, I am also lucky because my parents are letting me live there until I find an apartment, so rent is free. The bottom line was that I only used $160 a month. It would be less if I only lived 20 minutes from my work instead of 50. I saved up all the money for the wedding besides $4,000 of it. That came from my future in-laws and my parents/grandma. I am very lucky to have that help. If you can bargain your way down to better prices and then sit down and decide what your essentials actually are, you can save for a great wedding and still get what you want. It is all about knowing where your money goes and how to strike a deal. You can budget for this wedding and you can even use the same principles to budget for other things in your life as you go.

Do You Want to Know What Love Is?

What love really looks like.

Recently, my grandpa passed away unexpectedly. At his funeral service, my grandma, dad, both uncles, and mom spoke. My dad and uncles are not my grandpa’s sons, but his sons-in-law. It’s pretty powerful to see three grown men go up in front of a large room and cry and try to explain the hurt in their hearts at grandpa’s passing. The reason it was so hard for anyone to go up there is because you could feel that hole. You could feel that something was missing. What was missing was a force of love.

I never saw my grandpa upset, even though he had a lot to be upset about. No one would have blamed him if he became a grumpy old man. He had diabetes his whole life, had toes amputated, had blood sugar reactions, became legally blind, got arthritis in one knee, prostate cancer, and had to go on dialysis. All these things were wrong, but you never saw him quit. He never quit for two reasons: 1) He believed God would always take care of him, and 2) He loved all of us so much that he wanted to lead by example that joy is where you make it. These are lessons that all of us will take to the grave.

My grandpa was such a loving man that he made people that did not know him that well bawl at his funeral service. The testimonies from my family all had a common theme about him—it was love. There was no way to describe Gary Cunningham and not use the word love. He loved when we were difficult and loved when we were easy. He loved animals and he loved God. He loved his neighbors and he loved complete strangers. He was never afraid to be tender to anyone. All of these things forced the men in the room to look at themselves and ask “am I loving?” “Do I treat everyone with respect?” “Will my children and grandchildren feel this way when I am gone?”. His love affected everyone, even after he was gone.

To summarize what it’s like to lose a man that loves as God intended: you will miss him, but you will see him again. If you don’t know if you love that way, take these lessons to heart.

1) Never think you are lesser because you are not “normal”

2) Find a relationship with God and learn who to love

3) Know that happiness is not found, it is something you create. You have to choose it.

4) Bad things are going to happen and you can either roll with it and fix it, or sit in self pity

5) Just because you are a girl, doesn’t mean you can’t try to break records and push yourself academically, physically, and mentally

6) Your wife is your equal, and it doesn’t hurt to make her a coffee or tea every morning

7) Crying is not a weakness, it just means you have love in your heart

8) Singing songs is required in the car, whether or not you are in tune

9) Family is everything, they need money, time, help…give it.

10) (for his girls) look for a man that plays well with children and is willing to grow. No one is ever perfect enough to not hear advice or change.

11) If you’re going to work, work hard. There is no reason to slack.

12) Watching musicals does not revoke any mancards, in fact, you get bonus points for not being that emotionally stunted that you can’t watch something your significant other enjoys

13) If you go to church, get involved, start a group. Don’t just show up and leave every Sunday.

14) It is actually a blessing to have people that are not related to you call you uncle, grandpa, brother etc.

15) Make sure your house is open to anyone at any time, dropping by unannounced should be encouraged

16) Having kids go outside and pick up sticks will encourage lawn maintenance, respect for elders, and stop them from eating everything in the fridge

17) Loving someone does not mean you always agree with them, you can give suggestions in a kind manner

For the next 17 weeks, I am going to show how these rules play out in my life.

Why the Church Should Listen to Rap

Some churches may have already breached the bridge between “urban” style music and their worship time, but I have a feeling that most have not. Rap seems like the worst kind of music to have in a church: you can’t sing along, and it might have nothing in common with the average Christian.

I propose that the Church take a second look at this style of music for a couple reasons. First, the Rap genre offers a wider range of topics and a better way to communicate them. I am not saying the Church should be embracing Little Wayne, but I am saying that there are many groups and men out there that are Christian people using the genre to reach unbelievers. Groups like Clique 116, or the rapper Lecrae, all discuss topics that a person does not hear much in pop songs on Christian stations. Clique 116 focuses on entire Biblical passages and on common sins like sexual immorality or the way people treat each other.
For example, here is a stanza from the rap “Temptation” by Clique 116:

I heard men say without sex life is a waste
But Christ is overall I kept my pants on my waist
Turned beautiful chicks away dudes swear that I’m lame
Though I got a sex drive the Spirit’s holding the brakes
There’s no breaks this is His infinite work

This is a stanza from the #1 song on Air1 (a top, national Christian station) “Diamonds” by Hawk Nelson:

I’ll surrender to the power of being crushed by love
‘Til the beauty that was hidden isn’t covered up
It’s not what I hoped for
It’s something much better

This is not to prove that one song is more holy or a better worship song over the other, but it does show which song would be more relatable for the average human. There are a million songs about God’s love, but less about real sins that God helps us to overcome. The worship songs tend to lack specific realities that are as universal as pain. I believe adding Rap can bring new realities to people, so they do not feel alone in certain sins. People want to find others that understand them and can help them through situations, and not just generic ideas.

The pop songs on the radio are popular because they are easy to sing along to, but singing is not the only way to worship God. Sometimes, just listening to things about God and His Word is just as effective, emotionally, in worship. Words are important as they are confessions of worth or joy in the Lord. Rap has a great genre to do that in. Rap is less constricted in its art, so it can sound more like free verse poems or your beloved Shakespeare sonnet. This freedom makes it easier to talk about more difficult subjects because you are not confined to making sure all the beats match with the rhymes.

Not only is Rap great for more subjects, it gets the attention of the younger people in the church. Rap is becoming a highly popular genre for the younger generation, which means they already enjoy the rhythm and freedom in it. The Church is losing the younger generation by not trying to update the church to what is current for them. Having a service with just hymns works for the older people that remember the hymns. Unfortunately, people do not live forever, so the only way to keep the church going is to bring in new followers, which requires younger followers to be interested. Church is not meant to be boring, and if it cannot expand itself to reach younger people, it will die out. Rap is a great way to reach out. It does not need to be a rap-filled worship service, but having a song before the service or on the way out twice a month is not too much to ask.

The Church can use a little diversity and Rap is a great way to start.

I’ll Have What She’s Having

The other day I was watching When Harry Met Sally for the 500th time. I love Meg Ryan’s old movies and I especially love the kind of movies that seem like there is a plot, not only kissing. I am a sucker for a good story. Always.

After watching the movie and fantasizing that my love life is equally as magical—yet realistic—I found a pattern in my Romantic movie habits. Recently, the movie The Duff came out. I do enjoy the good high school cult classic, so I gave this movie a try. I liked the movie and I realize it is because it does not start with a romance, but a friendship. The Duff is Mae Whitman and she finds love only because the guy that she spends the most time with doesn’t look at her like a “hot woman”, but as a person. He notices the way she behaves versus the skimpyness of her clothes. He ultimately chooses her over the “hot girl” because she means more to him. Over and over I saw the pattern in my favorite movies. This pattern of treating a woman like a person and not a conquest. Just to name a few under this category:
1. The Duff
2. When Harry Met Sally
3. Beauty and the Beast (yes, it’s a cartoon, but the plot is the same)
4. Ever After: A Cinderella Story
5. Must Love Dogs
6. Sound of Music
7. You’ve Got Mail

This is just a small list of the same plots with different characters. These are some of my favorite movies in the world and I would watch them until my last breath. Now, these are not the frequent Romantic comedies that are populating theaters. Sure, most of them did pretty well in the box office, but you only get one of these a year and 15 a year of the objectifying kind. 

The other kinds of movies—that I discovered I subconsciously demote on my movie lists—have a similar plot, but with much different execution. These kinds of movies would be Cruel Intentions, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, The Choice, Fifty Shades of Grey, Titanic, Grease etc.

These movies are for sure guilty pleasures and have a lot of fans, but they all follow the same formula: get the girl by whatever means necessary. These men in the movies seem like base creatures that only know how to lie to a girl—and yet, they get the girl every time. The women are not seen as friends, they don’t have interests or concrete convictions. The women are caught and changed by the men. The men never talk about the things that will last forever about the women—they don’t talk about the woman’s heart, thoughts, or personalities. It is all about the woman becoming the play object for the man because, apparently, that is the only goal for women.

I know what you’re thinking—oh no, another feminist. Give it a rest!—but I promise, this is for both genders. The women might be treated badly, but so are the men in those movies. The movies do not portray men as decent, kind, or strong. They all seem like players, liars, tricksters, and base creatures that cannot control their sexuality. I believe men are much more than what Hollywood wants them to seem like. I believe men and women suffer from these delusional tales of deception and conquest. Sure, these movies are fun and fantastical to watch every once in a while, but if you watch enough of these, you too will start to believe what those movies say.

I would like to end the false Romances that are superficial and plenty. BRING BACK THE FRIENDSHIPS. It would be a great year if even half of the romances created in the next year showed true people and the keys to lasting relationships.
As Harry Burns said,

I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

You couldn’t have a quote like this from The Great Gatsby. Daisy was only an idealized body to Gatsby, she had nothing else to offer. A friendship leading into a romance will last much longer than a girl’s tits. Remember that.

It’s ok to go back home

 

I am writing to you as a senior in college. This is kind of a reminder to myself and to anyone that will eventually graduate from college after four long years of stress. In my mind, the college experience should go as thus:
1. Go to school
2. Make friends
3. Pass all your classes
4. Make some memories
5. Get a job that requires a degree
6. DO NOT MOVE BACK IN WITH YOUR PARENTS

Now, this list is not exhaustive or even in the best order, but you should get the point I am trying to make. The American Dream is working hard and making your way through life as a college-educated semi-adult. I think I have the college educated part down, but I have yet to get a job.

Trust me, I have been putting in applications since December. To date, I have applied to 47 jobs. I have written all the cover letters a girl could ever need. On the more depressing side, I have only heard back from maybe 12 of these potential employers. I feel like an utter failure. I have friends of mine that did not even start looking for jobs until April and they all have jobs or they are going to Grad school (as many English majors do). Now that you know I am an English major, do not assume that is the reason for a lack of callback. In fact, English majors have a better hiring rate than many other majors. Everyone needs someone to write for them, edit for them, give speeches, presentations, or analyze situations. English majors can do it all—yes, that is a shameless plug!

I digress. I have applied to so many jobs and each has fallen through or just dropped off the face of the planet. This worries me to no end. I have tried to prepare myself for an apartment and being a full adult, but the lack of a job makes that very difficult. The lack of the job feels like a failure as an adult. Especially, because I know how much debt I am in and I know that I have a wedding to pay for in a year. That’s a lot of money and very little time. Everything seems Iike it is closing in on me. I can already feel Sallie Mae breathing down my neck for monthly payments—shivers, right? On top of my looming face-off with debt, I have this nagging feeling in my mind that going back home after I walk across the stage and accept my diploma is a step backwards in life.

I love my family, don’t get me wrong. This is not an issue with going back to the place where I get wrestled to the ground when I walk in the front door. This issue is myself. Going back home is not so bad, but it is a non-step as far as being an adult goes. I won’t have to pay rent and I won’t have to give up quarters for laundry and I will not be working 9-5, like Dolly Parton so famously sang. In my mind, going back to my parents is actually a step in the direction of the 30 year old that still lives in their parents’ basement.
This was a recently-thinking me. The new me—as of two days ago—has made a new plan. I will still pursue another endless round of applications, but I refuse to feel like a failure. I may not have gotten my original five year plan completed, but I have to be able to adapt. Not everything is going to happen in the manner that I plan it in. That would make life too easy and that is unreal. My new outlook is that my parents are really great people and I should cherish whatever time I have left in their house. I may not have a job until June—or three months from now—but what is a month’s time in the scheme of life? Not much, barely a blip on the radar of life. I am sure many others are in my same boat. Waiting for that call back or even an email. I am here to tell you guys that just because we don’t have a job right now, does not make us a lesser person. It does not mean that we are not hirable. It means that the right job has not come along, yet. Or it means you should probably have someone look over and reorganize your resume.

I refuse to let my lack of callbacks dictate the way I feel about myself. I will find a job, and if it has to be at a McDonald’s in the meantime, that is ok. There is nothing wrong with working where you can, while waiting for the call from your dream job. You are not a failure, just keep swimming.

Weddings are NOT fairytales

My Thoughts on the Wedding Business

Last September, my Fiancé asked me to marry him. Was it the happiest day of my life? Definitely, so far. I love my fiancé and the friendship we have had for over six years. I believe being in a friendship for many years has given us the advantage of a pretty solid foundation as a couple. Unfortunately, the wedding planning is a test I never even thought of.

Today’s consumeristic society is ruining weddings. I just want to love my fiancé and start a life together. We do not live together and we have yet to be sexually intimate (waiting for that wedding night!), which means that our relationship is painfully slow and less in-sync than I want it to be. I know my fiancé’s personality, the way he walks, talks, and cuts his hair. I know practically everything about him, which is the purpose of not having sex before marriage. It forces you to acknowledge every single feature of a person without the ability to forget it in mindless sex. Way to plan ahead, God. The wedding is supposed to celebrate our entrance into the fully intimate world of being a couple.

Anyways, I digress. This post is not about waiting for sex, it’s about the horrible business of weddings. I am supposed to be planning this big party to celebrate a lifelong commitment to another human being. The idea is a long-held tradition, but one that has been extorted by corporations. Weddings have always had some sort of monetary commitment. Originally, it was for men to buy the women they wanted to marry from her parents. The weddings were for the village or family and people would just bring what they had, like a potluck. Now, the families of the bride and groom try to team up and pay for the guests they want to celebrate with.

Understandably, if you do not want to make your own food to feed all your guests, you get a caterer. Food costs money, I get it. You go to any restaurant and the food prices are around $15-20 for a meal. The caterer I got, Roby Lee’s in Newton Falls, has excellent pricing. I have a very large family and many friends that I would like to invite. So, paying $10,000 for 350 to eat and drink all the alcohol they want is a normal amount. I could cut out the alcohol, but it will be far more fun for me to watch the intoxicated people dance at the wedding.

The food is one thing, but the rest of this wedding business is a sham. For one, I have yet to understand the prices of wedding dresses. It is a white dress that you wear for one night. I could buy any random white dress, but it does not come with a train and I can only imagine the comments people will have about me not splurging on my big ‘ol, one-time event. Anyways, I have been to multiple shops to try and find dresses that are…me. I am not a princess, nor have I ever wanted to really look like one. The dresses are huge, heavy and make it very hard to move. I like elegance. Light dresses, with lace and room to move. I look for dresses and ask myself, “Would Julie Andrews wear this?”. I have found two dresses so far that I feel she would be proud of.

 

Unfortunately, these same dresses are $1400. I CANNOT believe those price tags. These dresses have no more material than any other dress. I could find a very similar dress that might be a “special occasion” dress that is only $300. The only difference is the label of the dress. Our consumerist culture will look for any reason to steal people’s money. Those dresses are marked up almost 500%. Excuse me? That is some heavy profits for a label. The worst part, is that the businesses that want to sell you these dresses know how bad the markups are and are willing to sabotage potential buyers over it.

For example, I had a lovely run in on Friday with this sabotage. As stated earlier, I found a dress that Julie Andrews would approve of for $1400. I researched all the internet and all the shops to try and find a similar dress or a cheaper option for the dress. The bridal shop that I found the dress in for $1400 is in Hartville. I looked around and tried to find another option. With a 500% mark up on wedding dresses, most shops have some wiggle room to negotiate prices. In a consumeristic society, you can bargain for almost anything. Businesses do not want you to know that. Anyways, this shop helped me, for an hour, to find the dress I wanted. I liked how patient they were because most wedding dresses from this era are not really my simple style and less than $1500.

I called around to try and see if anyone would bargain with me about the price of this dress. I finally found this shop in Cincinnati that told me they could sell me the dress for $1000. That is still a lot of money, but it is something that I would be willing to spend a significant amount of paycheck on—I already tried Amazon and EBay and I could not find anything like it, so this dress was my only option. I was overjoyed with finding a dress that I would feel comfortable in and feel like everyone would accept as a nice wedding dress—for $400 less. Feeling friendly with the store in Hartville, I called them up to give them the chance to lower their own price or match the price of the shop in Cinci, and make a sale with me. They asked for the place in Cinci to confirm the price match, and I—thinking this totally harmless—gave them the information.

The next day, I received a call from the shop in Cinci. They called to let me know that somehow the designer of the dress had gotten wind that they were going to sell the dress to me for $1000. The designer of the dress told the shop that they had to sell that dress for $1400 or they would pull their entire line from that store. That would also mean that any women that had ordered that same design line from that store would not be able to get their dresses, if the line was pulled. The shop in Cinci had no choice but to bump up the dress price to the absurd amount. The absolute betrayal I felt was caused by a few things. One of them being that the bridal shops buy the lines and the dresses. They can pretty much do and sell the dresses for whatever amount pleases them. This is why the dresses cost so much, so they can make a big profit from them. This is also how they can negotiate prices. The shops will never lose money on a dress, even if they sell it for $500 less than other shops. They will always make a profit;so, the shop, knocking the price down to $1000, helped me and still gave them a profit. This is why I was upset over the betrayal from the Hartville shop.

Two things struck me on Friday. 1) that a designer would be so money-obsessed that they would be ok with making low-income people unable to buy their dresses, even after a shop had already bought the rights to their dress and line. And 2) that a shop—FOUR HOURS AWAY—would go through the trouble of calling the designer to keep someone from getting a dress at another shop. That is some underhanded, sycophantic absurdity. I tried to do the nice thing, and give them that sale, for a dress that is marked up. David’s Bridal can sell the same materials in a wedding dress for less than half the price, which means these shops are making bank. A dress shop that is no where near the shop in Cinci, made the decision to make a girl that is a senior in college, with not a lot of money to her name unable to purchase the dress that she took many, many hours to find. The kind of greed that is in the wedding business ruins weddings.

Sure, I could just say heck with it and go to a courthouse and get married in a t-shirt and jeans. That would be the cheapest way to do it. But, I would be the first in a long line of my family to do something like that. What I want to know, is the reason for companies to try and profit ludicrously on a tradition that should be happy. A tradition to make a lifetime commitment between two souls. A tradition that brings together my giant family to eat, drink, and be merry. A tradition that is a rite of passage for my single, Christian soul and body into a linked, and beautiful oneness with another person. The consumerism of our society has taken a beautiful tradition that means a lot to me and my spiritual and literal family, and made it into something only the rich can truly enjoy. I can always look at other dresses. I will have to. But, the principal of the thing is that corporations ruin weddings.

The culture tricks families into spending tons of money on things just because of their labels. I want to have a good wedding. But that shop in Hartville should know that they really crushed me on Friday. I was truly upset because I thought I could have one, really special—albeit archaic and silly—ideal dress for an occasion that means a lot to me. The lack of that dress will not destroy my wedding or my relationship with anyone, but the pure greed that fuels the wedding industry is terrible. I had no idea the kind of people that I would be dealing with. I did not realize that to have a wedding you had to be reasonably wealthy. You would think people would want to aid in the day that is supposed to mean so much. That is the blindness I suffered from. I forget that corporations are greedy, and that those at the top of the food chain don’t want to help those at the bottom. There is no sense of community anymore. The villages that celebrated the weddings do not exist. Maybe in another country, but not here. Not even in the Midwestern state of Ohio—where the people are supposed to be friendly and helpful.

The wedding is not for another year, but I can say that I am less than psyched to have to continue planning and trying to find things I can afford. I am psyched to marry the man that I love, the man that could not care less if I wore jeans to the wedding, as long as we get to live together after the ceremony. He’s a great guy. I will however, remember the way I was treated by the shop in Hartville. I was not a person, I was a sale. I will not make the mistake of giving wedding exploiters—aka the people who sell wedding labeled things with insane markups—the kindness I would give another person. I will not let another person’s greed interrupt my wedding planning, again.

Beware Brides from low-income backgrounds. The shops are not there to help you, but to sell you short. Find ways around them to keep the beauty and community in your wedding. Don’t trust as I did. Maybe one day, weddings will return to the community as a celebration and not as a way to feed the greed of others. Until then, be smart.

#TallGirlSolutions

Today’s culture has really progressed in body acceptance for women. America still has some ways to go as far as accepting all body types because there is still a stigma for tall women. I don’t mean the tall women that are Victoria’s Secret models that can date NBA players, but the tall, ordinary women that are bigger than a size 6. These women, myself included, are subject to unfair stereotypes such as being masculine, athletic, intimidating or not worth romantic interest by men close to our heights. The reason that we are perceived this way is because our culture may be trying to not care whether or not you weigh 80lbs or 380lbs, but the culture still expects women to take up less space than men. Being shorter than a man seems to give women a more feminine quality because it makes men look like the big protector. This same belief extends to tall, slender women because they might be tall, but their body does not take up much width. These women look dainty and breakable, which leads men to have romantic interests in them because it still makes them feel masculine in their ability to be a protector. The women that are average width and tall give people the impression of masculinity, like the women can fend for themselves and are Amazon women. Amazon women have the unfortunate implication of being man-hating and unnatural. I know I have been called an Amazon woman in my lifetime and it has not been with respect or as a compliment. The “masculinity” attributed to tall women is generally coupled with the intimidating factor. More than once, people have been shy of me and after long periods tell me how intimidated they were because I was so tall.
Tall men are not intimidating. Tall men are cool and considered worth dating. If both a man and a woman are 6 feet tall, why is one intimidating and the other cool? The reason is that the culture does not like this idea of women looking as if they do not need protection from a man. It does not fit in with our heteronormative culture and therefore creates negative feelings towards tall women.
On the flip side of this same mentality, the men are actually suffering. Men that are shorter than 6 foot are teased about being short. For some reason, this natural, uncontrollable bodily development determines the romantic factor for most women. Women are taught from Disney to Days of Our Lives that men are supposed to take up more space and be taller than the women. Think about the shows or movies you watch! Prince Charming is always a head taller than the princess, Damon is almost a foot taller than Elena, Luke is taller than Lorelei, Thor is a foot taller than Jane, Finn is a few inches taller than Rey. Over and over again the media pounds into our heads that the cutest couples are the ones that have a man tall enough to let the woman wear four inch heels and still be shorter.
How contradictory are we? Sure, let’s all love each other whether we have fat rolls or not, but ask me to date a guy that is under six foot? NO WAY. It’s an insane phenomena that needs to be stopped in its tracks. This is 2016. A man smaller than 6 foot is no less attractive or manly than a 6’5” man. A woman that is 5’10” is not intimidating or unworthy of love because she looks like she could protect herself. Height does not matter. I can speak to this because the love of my life looks me square in the eye. I struggled with his size because I grew up with the same images as everyone else, but after a few weeks, it didn’t matter anymore. He was still my best friend, and what did it matter that we were the same size? He was still attractive, kind, and smart, his height did not effect the qualities that really matter. Tall girls want solutions for men? Stop believing that height is the End all be all for dating. Men, stop believing that women constantly need your protection. A 5’3” girl can defend herself just as well as a 5’10” girl can, they made mace and guns for a reason. Tall girls are just as beautiful as anyone else and deserve to be treated with respect and not as an anomaly.

The Lost Art

I volunteer with a nonprofit company that breeds and trains service dogs for children and veterans. This being said, this last semester I have had the cutest golden lab attached to my side. Her name is Éclair—Clair for short. The one thing you notice when you have a dog on a college campus is that suddenly everyone is super friendly towards you. It is not because I look like a friendlier person than before, it is because people will do almost anything to pet a dog. Clair is cute, she does tricks and has a wrinkly forehead. I understand their desire to come over to me and ask to pet her and then proceed to squat next to her face and squish it.

The other thing I noticed is once they are in their squatted position, they start to talk to me. I do not know this person, I probably have never seen them on campus before, but Clair seems to make me seem like a friend and people talk to me about their dogs at home or how jealous they are that I get to take a dog to my classes and anywhere with me. Just so everyone knows, yes having a dog is fun, picking up their poop when you have five minutes to get to class and there’s a crowd of people watching you do it, is not so fun. Anyways, I digress. So, these people tell me about themselves and I sit and listen. Some people say a lot and some do not even pay attention to me at all. The people that talk to me, I pay a lot of attention to. I listen to what they say because I feel you can learn a lot about someone by listening to how they speak and about their dogs or parents that would not let them have dogs growing up.

One day, I went to a school play—I was writing a review for our newspaper—and the girl I sat next to saw Clair and just opened up. This girl did not know me, and yet, I found out she had five small dogs at home, they were adorable and she had thousands of pictures of them on her phone. She told me all their names and then told me she was at the play because her brother was one of the actors. After she told me about her dogs, I remembered one of the handlers (we have a team of four that take turns with Clair) telling me about this “super talkative” girl that would not stop talking about her five small dogs. I wondered if this was the same girl, so I texted the handler and complained that she has been talking for 20 minutes straight about her family and dogs. No later than five minutes after I sent that text she said, “Wow, you actually listened to what I said. No one sits this long and listens to me talk about my life.” While I may have complained about her talking, I truly was listening and commenting on pictures and different stories she told me. I have a philosophy that I live by, which is to give attention to anyone that speaks to me because they might have something I need to hear, and their voice is just as important as mine. Immediately after she said that to me, I felt so guilty for texting that to the handler. For a minute, I had crossed my own philosophy and felt she was taking up my valuable time. Where was I in a hurry to? No where. The play did not start for another 20 minutes and we were both already in our seats. Would I rather there be awkward silence between two people that got seats next to each other but didn’t know one another? Heck no. I hate the uncomfortable silence between me and someone I do not know, I would rather be talking to them.

This brings me to my point, people do not listen anymore. For some reason, probably social media, people do not feel that they need to listen intently to anyone that is not themselves or maybe someone that is extremely close to you—so close this person has probably seen you at your most disgusting phase. I live in America. America’s first amendment is the right to free speech, so people are constantly chattering about anything and everything because there is no rules about it. There may be social rules, but even those are going out the window. If you open up any social media, people can say whatever they want to and you can choose to listen to it or not. I have become accustomed to scanning through Facebook and ignoring all the statuses except for the ones from good friends or family. I think this mentality has entered the people to people world. We still think we can say anything we want, and we tend to, but what is the point of speaking if no one is listening? We hear people speaking to us, but do we really listen? I am guilty that there are times I do not, like when I got in trouble with my parents, I would block out everything they said and instead think in my head about how unfair they were being to me. This was MY world after all…

Wrong. This planet is not in existence to cater to each person’s needs. I think we forget that billions of other people live on this planet with us and they have a life and problems too. We start to become so selfish that we stop being people. We have lost our ability to listen to another person—even strangers—and connect with them on the universal level that we all think, feel, and speak too. The Christian university I go to should be super good at listening. If we truly believe we are all God’s children, we should treat each other how we want to be treated. Everyone wants to be listened to and feel like we have a connection with another person. The thing is, even christian universities have people that ignore others, or believe they do not have time for anyone else because their time is more precious. My time is no more precious than my roommate’s or random people that talk to me while petting Clair.

This world is full of shortcuts, we want answers, we get our phones out and check google. We want game highlights, there’s an app that only gives you highlights so you don’t have to watch the game. We want a good restaurant, we check UrbanSpoon to get the quickest and best option. We do not have to slush through a pile of things to find an answer anymore; I think that is why we cannot listen anymore. People do not want to work to understand others, they would rather focus on themselves and get the highlight about a person. Isn’t that what social media is? All social media has a little “About Me” section and people put short and sweet answers. “I love Jesus, taken (some date), I like Batman, Basketball is cool” and this is all you need to know about John Doe. There is no way those 12 words have summed up all there is to know about John, but other people will look at that profile and say “oh, I’ll follow him, we’re the same”. John probably has a lot more to say than those 12 words, but no one really cares. People cannot be summed up by only their highlights. People are complex and have personalities and stories. We just need to listen.

My concern is so great, because there was a time where I believed no one listened to me. I believed no one could know me because they did not care to hear me and connect. I believed it so well that I would ask God at night to bring the roof down on my room and kill me in my sleep. That stemmed from feeling like no one listened. I also have depression, and this is not a post about depression, but on how real a lack of someone listening can affect people. Eventually, I got better, but I still crave for everyone to listen to me and that’s where my philosophy comes from. We, as people, need to value ourselves less and other people more. Try to listen because you might make someone’s day because you listened. You may make a new friend. That girl at the theater, I may not have seen her again, but if I saw her I would be sure to say hi because I feel like I know her. I learned a lot about her and we became friends in that short time. I just ask that you take a moment and realize that other people are worth listening to and concentrating on. Get involved in their life because it might be the best thing you ever did.

Virgin and Afraid

Is waiting until marriage outdated?

I guess the whole matter really bothers me because I am still a virgin and I see too many people being condescending about it. I will continue to be until I marry my fiancé in May 2017. Now, my way may not be your way, but you would not be reading this if you were not interested in a different POV, so bear with me.

Growing up Christian has a lot to do with how I choose to give away my ultimate intimacy. I do believe that God had the right plan in mind by telling his people to wait until marriage, and I think many church people twisted that idea into some pretty shameful things, which has caused many to rebel against what the church says or does not say. I am a virgin, but not the kind that has never been kissed or made-out with a boy. I want to believe that I am a good balance of Christian worldview and critical thinking human, but I could be wrong. I write this because I believe being a virgin has been taken to two extremes. The church puts so much pressure on being pure that they have a hard time forgiving those that have been impure and they do not adjust their curriculum to keep more people from sex before marriage and wonder why most of the teens leave youth group (it’s because they feel unaccepted and unable to be honest) and the secular culture that thinks virgins are either prudes, liars, conquests, or stupid.

Sex was a dirty word in church; in high school, my youth group watched this video about abstinence and the main guy came out on this stage and yelled “SEX IS GREAT!”; I think my leader almost keeled over in her chair, she was not expecting such explicit things to be said. I think that the church makes a big mistake in not discussing sex. The culture their kids are in is already full of sex. Who are the celebrities sleeping with? Which character just had a baby? Which character slept with the other’s ex? All television is anymore is sex and what women can do to make it better. Sounds weird, right? Sex is supposed to be empowering to women, we can sleep with whoever we want because for the last thousand years women were not even allowed to leave the house or marry for love! If all that today’s culture is bombarded with is sex, why does the church not do a better job explaining it? Tell the children that all the women that look so powerful by seducing men are actually not powerful at all. Those women choose to make themselves a sexual object and the man still chooses whether to acknowledge it or not. The “power” of sex is still in the hands of the guy. Time and time again the youth are told to not have sex, wait for marriage, abstinence is so much better, but the church does not explain it in a way that the new generation can understand. Sex seems so great on television, why not tell them that it is great? Tell the children what makes a man or woman worthy to marry and explain that they will wait if they truly care about you. Sex is supposed to be fun, that is why God made it, but along with sex comes some serious intimacy with someone that you might want to forget if it is not with your husband. The church should also make a point to explain how sex is not all that magical the first time (so I have been told by my friends with their awkward first-time stories).

The church should be better at explaining that when dating someone, you will want to have sex—shoot, once you hit puberty whatever gender you fancy is a target. You’re going to want it a lot. I thought for the longest time that because I had these urges to see the naked male anatomy, I was a heathen. I thought it meant that I was not a real Christian. The people in my church made it seem like I could just talk to a boy and say something like “I am waiting until marriage for sex and please do not put your hands above my knee or below my collarbone” and all would be well. I would not have urges like the “people without Jesus” because I was a Christian. That does not work like that. Ever. We are still humans and it is beneficial to pubescent teens to explain that they WILL get these urges and that it is normal, but that does not mean you HAVE to fulfill them. Explain to them about the way movies and things we hear and see shape our minds just as much as church does, whether or not we realize it. The parents of these children still need to have the sex talk. Just because you force your kid to church and youth group does not mean they listen to anything said there. Give them facts, give them testimonies explaining how every teen says “it would never happen to me”, show them the psychological studies. It is your job to find out what your kid understands best and to get on their level and explain in their terms what you want understood.

The thing I learned about myself is probably the most important part of waiting. I learned that I am perfectly fine to be by myself and that having a guy hanging around does not guarantee happiness. I learned that having sex does not really promote your status, maybe if you’re in high school, but those that care about high school and what happens there are people you should not be hanging with. I learned that waiting does not mean I am a prude or sheltered like people teased, it means I know my value has nothing to do with my vagina. My value is in God and if you’re not a Christian your value should be in who you are i.e. How you treat others and how you let others treat you. I may not have had a boyfriend until 18, but I know now that did not mean I was ugly before or not good enough. It meant that while the boys were maturing, they were viewing me differently, instead of seeing my boobs they saw that I was intelligent, loved all sorts of music, volunteered my time in a bunch of things at once, I was athletic, I was a movie buff, I loved people to a fault. They saw the attributes that would not fade as easily as the perkiness of my boobs or the shape of my body. They saw my soul.

I learned my sexuality holds a power that should not be given to anyone but the one person that loved my soul so much that he agreed to commit to it until one of us died.Words are easily spoken, ladies. Someone can promise you the world, but it means nothing without an actual commitment. Dating for two years in not a commitment, getting engaged with a ring and then marriage is a commitment. Sex is important and needs to be talked about more than it is now; it needs to be discussed in its true form—the intimacy it holds, the objectifying women, the pain, the mistakes that come with it when it is not done as God has said. Parents need to step up. Safe sex is not the same as waiting, in case anyone thought it had the same effect. It doesn’t. If I could tell my thirteen year old self this, I would gladly. It would have let me know that just because I had not kissed a boy yet did not mean there was something wrong with me. I wish I could go back in time and tell all my friends all that I know now because maybe it would have made a difference to them. Maybe their lives would have been completely different, maybe not.

I only hope that the churches can stand in their conviction that sex before marriage is wrong and they can convey it in a truthful and real manner to their future generations. If they do not change their ways to address each new generation I fear that more girls will think that sex will get them real relationships or that sex is power over men. If the church does not address it in a real way that people mess up, the people that need God and his forgiveness will stay away from Him. Sex is not a game, it’s a war on your soul.

***Sidenote for those that have had sex and are reading this. Just because you have sex once or ten times does not mean you should continue what you are doing. You have an opportunity to stop. It’s hard (according to my friends that were doing this in high school or after) to stop because you already got the influx of chemicals in the brain, but you are not a lesser person for having sex and no one should tell you that you are. Everyone makes decisions in their lives and it’s the consequences you have to live with. You may not feel consequences now, but you might in twenty or thirty years. And if you think I am crazy and that you will never face any consequences, you may feel differently for your potential children or younger siblings, you will fear that they will have consequences. They may not be as lucky as you and that should cause you fear. Telling your sibling to be smart and “wrap it up” or “take birth control” is not enough because those are not 100% effective. Those do not soften the heartbreak, cure all diseases, or always keep a baby from being conceived. Think about it.